Photo: Adair Iacono

Snowpocalypse! Snowmageddon! SNOMG! Whatever portmanteau your local news outlet used to panty-bunch about this week’s major weather event, odds are they buried the lede like a Mini Cooper in the path of a city plow. I won’t: FREE FOOD is FALLING from the SKY.
Here’s how to get your blizzard buffet on for a fraction of the price of Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche and feel like you’re Laura Ingalls Wilder, hardscrabbling out on the Dakota Territory, minus the outhouse and pig bladder balloons.
You’ll need a large clean bowl, a can of sweetened condensed milk and your favorite vanilla. (In the version pictured above, I used Madagascar Vanilla Bourbon powder, but that’s just because I get random, fancy stuff in the mail. Regular vanilla extract is fine.)
The moment you notice snow falling, set the bowl outside in a spot you’re sure is out of any animals’ splash zones. Sure, you could brush some from the top of a car, but this ensures the cleanest, fluffiest flakes. When the bowl is nearly full, bring it inside.
Here’s where the measurements get a tad fuzzy but hey — you’re cooking with snow. It’s not like you’re meting out saffron threads and truffles by the microgram.
Open the sweetened condensed milk and with a spatula, gently, thoroughly fold about a third of the contents into the snow until it’s thoroughly mixed. Keep adding condensed milk until the mixture is as rich as you’d like. Then stir in the vanilla, a half teaspoon at a time, until the taste is to your liking. Spoon into bowls, serve immediately.
If you’d like a slightly less creamy version, ditch the sweetened condensed milk and replace it with a mixture of one cup milk and one half cup sugar.
Try Little House on the Prairie-sanctioned Hailstone Ice Cream or Snow Candy and buy “The Little House Cookbook: Frontier Foods from Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Classic Stories.”