Well, it's that time of the month again, that time in which I appease
the fifty-year-old hairdresser in us all and bring you the one thing no
reader can resist: horoscopes!
My accuracy may be suspect, my wit may lag somewhere toward the ninth
house, but even if my predictions
don't hold up, maybe my recommendations will.
Aquarius
Now is a time of extravagance for you, whether it be in emotion, in
action, or in those six
pairs of shoes you just bought. Despite all this conspicuous consumption,
this can be a productive time--if you share the wealth. Giving away
the goods will make you appreciate what you have and, since fortune
doesn't last forever, your benevolence will build future allies and
guarantee you a good rep as a fabulous, generous, glamorous high-roller,
even when you ain't got squat.
Recommended Show: The jazzy, soulful sounds of Mandrill
and Sandra St. Victor should do the trick, as would an audience
with fellow Aquarian Miss
Ruth Brown.
.
Recommended Record: How can I reccomend one? You want everything
right now!
Pisces
It hasn't been easy, has it?
You have worked and toiled and worn
out both brain and body. And the sacrifices you have made, the days
you rushed about the city, drenched in sweat and perpetually behind
schedule; the nights you did without brown
liquor and illicit companionship... they're about to pay off. That's
the good news. The bad news is that your load isn't really going to
lighten, you'll just be pounding away at a new level. But there's a
little window of opportunity to relax and indulge in the sweet things
in life--just don't overdo it. You have to maintain your fighting weight
for battles to come.
Recommended Show: Rocket
from the Crypt should provide a brief, screaming, sweaty respite
from responsibility.
Recommended Record: Get whimsical with the Prince and James Bond deconstructions
on the debut
record by Steven Bernstein's Sex Mob.
Aries
You're on top of the world. You soar above the landscape like a superhero.
You rule like an ancient multi-armed god. You dominate in your omnipresence
like fellow Ariens Celine
Dion and Babyface. Or do you? Is this sense of power and security
real? Or are your so-called faithful followers just a pack of crafty
dwarves that are going to kill
and eat you once you've been lulled and adored into dropping your
guard? Just because you love you, and many other people love you, doesn't
mean everyone does.
Recommended Show: An evening with jazz legend Joey
Baron should start the war drums beating Or prepare for all-out
war with Anthrax.
Recommended Record: The latest by paranoid pugulist trip-hopper Tricky
will put you nicely on edge.
Taurus
The usually solid Taurus is feeling more reckless than usual and a change
of pace is in the works: consider the bullheaded Barbra
Streisand, who recently, finally, tied the knot with James "you're
never too old to be a boy
toy" Brolin. The suddenness of the ceremony didn't mean that Miss
Barbra didn't preside with her usual total control and meticulous planning,
however, unless you happen to be the Jewish
Cleopatra herself, I recommend that you not try to hold on to your
iron will while throwing caution to the winds--you might hurt yourself.
Relax,
give things a little room to develop.
Recommended Show: Rock out and cut loose with Joan
Jett and her Blackhearts.
Recommended Record: The dance remixes of seventysomething bluesmaster
RL
Burnside should show you how to twist it up.
Gemini
There will always be someone
bigger and stronger than you. Unfortunately, they happen to be coming
to get your ass right now. Avoid confrontations--someone is trying to
provoke you into a no-win situation. However, this doesn't mean you
should flee
screaming or try to charm and promise your way out of it--just back
off slowly and reevaluate your plan of action. Try to maintain the unflappable
cool of Gemini goth
goddess Siouxsie
Sioux or the ultimate devil-may-care guy, Gemini Dean
Martin.
Recommended Show: Hearing the mighty Mavis
Staples do her Mahalia Jackson tribute should give you strength,
as would a performance of "Tosca."
Recommended Record: Anything by Mr. Miles
Davis should help you keep your cool in more ways than one.
Cancer
Hop that cheap flight to Vegas
(or maybe just head for a singles
bar) because, for some obscure reason having to do with Jupiter,
you are lucky right now. Perhaps it's a post-birthday high, but you
want to go
out and play with all the other kids and generally behave in an
extroverted and mirthful manner. Things seem to finally be flowing,
and your ability to relate and communicate is high. Does this have anything
to do with a rare drive of independence from the normally clingy Cancer?
Hm....
Recommended Show: Believe it or not, George
Clinton is a Cancer and he's playing at the Apollo. Sounds like
a plan.
Recommended Record: Get down with new-style rockabilly princess Kim
Lenz--or perhaps one by her predecessor, Miss
Wanda Jackson.
Leo
These may be the times that try Leos' souls, but keep on truckin'. Everest's
peak, the Indy 500's finish line,
the end credits for "Armageddon"
are within sight--do not surrender, do not stop, do not change course.
Would Madonna
quit? Would Chuck
D decide it was too tough and go home? Why should you be any different
than those other lions. You are close to conquering something, be it
a new horizon or an old problem. Use the temptation to just sit down
and weep like a little girl as just another reason why you're not going
to.
Recommended Show: The muse of adversity, Patti
Smith. Or if you wanna test your own endurance, Aerosmith.
Recommended Record: Anything
by our lord and master James
Brown should keep you keepin' on.
Virgo
Give free rein to your passions now! Let that inner child sit around
in its pajamas eating spaghettios and watching cartoons!
Let that inner teen drink malt
liquor and attempt to freestyle!
Let that inner adult go run up its credit card at strip
clubs! If these directives seem a bit off-putting, look at it this
way: after Thursday's new moon, you'll have no trouble channeling your
energy and attention into plans for the future--as your fellow Virgos
Ray Charles,
Sonny
Rollins, and BB
King will attest, widening your horizons and letting it all hang
out can help you focus when it comes time to pull it all back in.
Recommended Show: Also a Virgo, Me'Shell
Ndegeocello should help you free your mind (and hopefully your ass
will follow).
Recommended Record: Big
Punisher's mighty "Capital Punishment" should break down any modesty
or reserve you might have left. Or you could always dig up some old
Redd Foxx records.
Libra
Choirs
of angels. Armies of tenor
saxophonists. Dancefloors of disco
freaks. Hayrides packed with "Hee-Haw"
hussies. Casinos full of winners. It's all good right now, and it's
only gonna get better. But that better will not last forever. Stash
a few of those divine blessings and special exemptions you've accumulated
for the future rainy day--don't waste them on smothering today's minute
flaws.
Recommended Show: Get some fine flow from up-and-comer Common
or hit the boogie wonderland with Earth,
Wind & Fire.
Recommended Record: "Seven
& Seven," the newest by fellow Libra MC Lyte, should cold rock your
party nicely.
Scorpio
The time has come to move on. Is there an idea, a person, a place, a
really friggin' ugly sweater you just haven't been able to bring yourself
to part with? Let it go. Fear not: something will come along to fill
that gap in your personal universe before long, all you have to do is
make room for it. Once you've abandoned the old, take a little breather--whether
it be curling up in bed with a book
or going
out and looking for something else to take home--then get ready
for the
new school. A period of creativity and productivity is rising on
your horizon, so center yourself, clear your mind, and prepare for battle.
Recommended Show: An audience with charismatic, no-nonsense Scorpio
diva Miss Diana
King may move things along.
Recommended Record: "Beautiful Maladies," the new compilation by Tom
Waits should teach you a few things about letting go, as will the
mighty Otis
Redding.
Sagittarius
You know how when you're a teenager,
they tell you it's the best time of your life, even though it seems
like it's gotta be the
worst? That's what it's like for Sagittareans these days. Things
don't look positive, but the rearview mirror will show this to be an
important time. You may want to seek guidance at this confusing time,
so feel free to hit up mom, your older sister, or a handy Shaolin
Monk for a little spiritual help; just remember that they can't
help unless you level with them.
Recommended Show: Attending the Vans
Warped Tour's local stop should help you soothe that inner 16-year-old.
If you need to be soothed and centered, how about the moving piano of
Fred Hersch?
Recommended Record: Lo-fi Chicago collective Pullman
should teach you a little patience.