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Because
Everyone Loves Horoscopes!
...and
because I've got nothing else for you today, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you one of my intermittent readings of the
signs and portents as written in the heavens. Why? Well, with
the
eclipse on August 12, things were supposedly thrown into an
astrological frenzy—and I believe it. No shit: Within the following
week, I'd counseled those who were questioning their sexuality,
had cheated on their boyfriends, were contemplating leaving town,
were no longer speaking to close friends or just felt "all empty
inside." It
was fucking Armageddon and had me ready to grind out an entire
pack of Lucky Strikes into my arm by the time the liquor
stores closed on Saturday night. So, in an effort to make sense
of it all, and in hopes that brighter times lie ahead, I give you
the stars
as read at the bottom of my glass. Enjoy...
Aries
Ah, Aries, the most endearing and most annoying of the signs. Aries,
perhaps not so much born to lead as born to have other people follow.
Aries, who always wants to get there first, who always seeks the
new source of adoration and who never wants to be told what
to do. Any wonder that Aries is the sign of the diva: Dusty
Springfield, Billie
Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Bessie Smith, Astrud Gilberto
and William Shatner...of
course there are also those Aries who only think they're
divas, i.e., Celine Dion, Posh Spice, Carmen Electra and Bobby Vinton.
Again, the endearing and the maddening all at once.
What's Ahead: Sure, for the
last few weeks you've been able to talk the stars out of the sky,
hell, even a junkie out of his stash. But nothing is free, even
for an Aries, and here's where you've gotta give back: Take care
of other people for a change, whether as scoutmaster or as cheerleader
and give a little support to those who always let you have your
way. If you're looking for one-on-one love (OK, maybe even two-on-one),
this weekend may provide just
what you're seeking, as your natural charm will combine with
a little divine intervention. Just make sure you don't spend too
much money on pricey
cocktails or prize orchids while in pursuit—it won't make
any difference except in your wallet.
Taurus
Taurus: obstinate, fond of stability and space to think, hates synthetic
fabrics and being rushed. Taurus' determination and iron will can
make an empire-builder like Duke
Ellington, Master P—who shares an April 29 birthday with
the Duke—or Eva Peron.
But it can also make an equally determined loon, such as Sid
Vicious or Dennis Hopper. Or you can combine both aspects and
get the
biggest Taurus of them all, Mr. T.—who's back from life-threatening
illness with his new book "Cancer Ain't for No Sissies." (I kid
you not.)
What's Ahead: So, what up with
you? Well, cheer up little bullish one, for a white Cadillac is
being driven up Fifth Avenue by whatever flavor of beach bunny you
choose, chock full of good things, all of them just for you. Now,
isn't that what you wanted to hear? Your serious-minded bent will
be tempered by a flurry of activity, whether it's goofing off in
a disco or working for a cause. Make sure to take time out though,
for yourself and, more importantly, the people you like best—let
them add a little love to all the good things Taurus is gettin'.
Gemini
Sign of glamorous, groundbreaking maternal figures like Josephine
Baker and Lauryn Hill, as well as randy gentlemen such as Prince
and Tom
Jones (both born on June 7—wonder if that had anything
to do with Tom's "Kiss" cover). For every Curtis Mayfield, Suzi
Quatro and Morrissey, there's a Lenny
Kravitz, Alanis Morissette and Jewel. Only a Gemini can paint
himself as the soul of compassion while being totally self-centered,
but only a Gemini will dress up in gold lame and ride a motorbike
at the Folies Bergere to support a dozen adopted kids. (OK, a Scorpio
might do that do, but...)
What's Ahead: In the next week
or so, try to keep your dark side in check: You're liable to insult
or upset people close to you and this time, "Oh, I'm a Gemini, that's
just my bad side," won't cut it. On the flipside, don't overreact
if you feel slighted or put down by those around you—they didn't
mean it. Oh, here I am telling a Gemini to keep a level head. Silly
me. Still, try to get your house in order and maybe tie yourself
to the mast: You may soon start to feel the
urge to crash and burn. But, if you want something to look forward
to, this is an excellent week for you to go
shopping.
Cancer
Cancer: the crab. Why? Because it has a shell, not to mention that
it is often crabby. Cancers like being at home, surrounded by people
and things they love; they need to feel secure (if you know anyone
who's always
hungry, chances are they're a Cancer). Even Cancers who seem
to be wild and unstable—Johnny Thunders, Hunter
S. Thompson, Lil' Kim—often find that security in an unshakable
sense of self (it's still their shell and they can still take it
wherever they like). Still, Cancers can turn on you with those claws:
Their sentimentality can turn to possessiveness, their love of their
home turf can turn into a border war. The sign of Cancer is responsible
for John
Tesh and several of my ex-boyfriends. I rest my case.
What's Ahead: It's a time of
rebirth for Cancer: If there's something you've been wanting to
do or change, now is the time. The forces are massed: The strength
inside (the portable home you've got) and the support and assistance
from outside (the family and friends around you). Let go of past
mistakes, be they yours or someone else's, and prepare to
boldly go where no one has gone before. (Well, where at least
you haven't gone before, OK?). Also: Whether it's socially, romantically
or even career-wise, you'll do better at everything once the sun
sets. That's right: Not only do the freaks come out at night but,
now, you too.
Leo
Madonna and Mick Jagger are Leos. Whitney Houston, with her endless
vocal showboating and ugly "look at my ho self" wardrobe, is a Leo.
Patrick
Ewing and his refusal to give up his central position in the
Knicks offense is a Leo. Leos have a mystic power over the center
of attention: Even if they don't direct the spotlight on themselves,
you get the feeling they're controlling where the damn thing will
go next. Of course, Leos can use their powers for good. Isaac Hayes,
who's taken us from "Shaft" to Chef
and back again, is a Leo. Count Basie—not only a great bandleader
and composer, but fine collaborator and never afraid to let the
sideman shine—was a Leo. John Lee Hooker and Joe
Strummer are Leos.
What's Ahead: There's been a
lot of distractions recently, and they have you on edge. Before
you throw a fit, try just drawing a line in the sand, state where
you stand and refuse to put up with it anymore. Besides, you don't
have time for this shit: You're soon to get buried in your work,
though not necessarily in a bad way. If you don't let yourself get
overwhelmed, you can get everything done. Socially, your ability
to turn strangers into pals is running at a high—get out there,
shake some hands and make some friends. You'll be doing both yourself
and the rest of the world a service.
Virgo
Detail-oriented. Logical. Industrious and efficient. Some people
think Virgos are repressed, but that's not the case: They're just
modest. Besides, how repressed can a sign that covers Barry
White, Joan Jett and Pee
Wee Herman be? Virgo could also be called the sign of the sax
player: Charlie
Parker, John Coltrane, Sonny
Rollins and Ray Charles—yes,
Brother Ray could play the sax too—are all Virgos. And,
behind that reserved exterior, Virgos got nothin' but love for most
people (again, ask Mr. White or perhaps Julio Iglesias)—that's
why they try so hard to make everything they do perfect.
What's Ahead: Let me level with
you: Right now is probably not the best time to be a Virgo. Issues
you thought dead seem to be coming back to life in a disturbing
and Cher-like manner. People seem to be clamoring for help and attention
all around you. Worst of all, you're having trouble concentrating:
Delays, obstacles and all kinds of what Robert
Johnson (a Taurus, but so what) called "stones in my pathway"
abound. But try to focus, try not to get distracted: As George Bush
(a Gemini, but you don't want him on your team anyway) said: "Stay
the course"—you won't feel this way for long.
Libra
Libras like to be known by one name: Usher, Flea, Eminem,
Divine,
Meatloaf. It's part of that creative persona they try to cultivate—even
when a Libra seems crude, it's all part of a carefully thought-out
and balanced effect. (When Divine had to eat dog shit in "Pink
Flamingos," she spent days preparing the turd, wrapping the
gift box, choosing the
right shade of lipstick...) And Librans are happiest when paired
up (that scales thing again), whether it be a business, artistic
or romantic partnership. Still, their desire to make all things
equal and harmonic can turn Libra into a purveyor of pablum: Think
Olivia Newton-John, Marie
Osmond, Sting
and Will Smith.
What's Ahead: Virgo's current
eye of the storm seems to be blowing a few gusts down your alley
as well—you
feel pressed for time and plans for travel or closer-to-home
socializing remain distressingly up in the air. This may make you
brusque and impatient with others but, if you handle them more gently,
they may calm you a bit and even lend a hand. And you have the weekend
to look forward to, when you can turn into a brightly colored social
butterfly, whether in large or small groups.
Scorpio
I once read somewhere that "most Scorpios are murdered," and there
is ample reason for this. The sign of Scorpio is to blame for musical
schlockmeisters Yanni
and Puff Daddy (both November 4); self-anointed gurus of nonsense
Tony Robbins and Timothy
Leary (October 22); and tedious moppets like Meg Ryan, Keri Strug
and those damned McCaughy septuplets (all nine of them on November
19). Still, Scorpio also includes Charles
Manson, Clyde Barrow and Colonel George S. Patton, so I suppose
it's more like "kill or be killed." Appropriate, since Scorpios
are fearless, determined and live in a black-and-white world, with
few shades of gray. Only Leos have more innate power over other
people than Scorpios, and the scariest monster they've come up with
is Marilyn Quayle.
What's Ahead: Storm and stress
are roiling about, but it's all in how you handle it. Step back,
take a moment and don't let yourself get riled over that which is
beneath you—especially at night, when you'll be particularly
volatile (and no, the stars don't tell me whether or not brown liquor
has anything to do with it). If you have any doubts, consult your
intuition and your store of secret information and act according
to those—not your temper or your pride. Figures from your past
will return, but what you first may mistake for threatening gestures
are actually supplications and apologies. After all, it's never
too late to tell a Scorpio you're sorry.
Sagittarius
Saggitarians are truth-seekers, road-ramblers and hell-raisers who
are never afraid to tell you what they think. Their proudest representatives
of this adventuring archetype being R.L. Burnside, Tom
Waits, Tina Turner, Ozzy Osbourne and Redd
Foxx. Then, of course, there are those Saggitarians who go their
own way a bit too far (and also lie a little too close to the cusp
of Scorpio), like Ted Bundy and Richard Speck. Saggitarians are
unafraid to wave their opinions like a red flag and are great fans
of arguing for the sake of arguing.
What's Ahead: Oh, it's good
to be you this week, isn't it? Even more full of energy than usual,
you are a force to be reckoned with right now. You may be obnoxious,
but you will get your way. Superiors and other influential
people will notice you and say, "Who is that fabulous creature?"
Still, don't waste all this energy and power: Channel it into furthering
your goals and ambitions instead of just riding that intoxicating
wave and you'll come out ahead.
Capricorn
Capricorn is the sign of the strong woman and the not-so-tough man.
Evidence: Janis Joplin, Ava
Gardner, Mary
J. Blige and Marlene
Dietrich versus Ricky
Martin, Davy Jones, Michael
Stipe and Marilyn Manson. Capricorns tend to waft a hedonistic
surface over their innate discipline and drive to work hard. A Capricorn
can be rolling on the bed giggling in a drug-addled stupor one minute,
and then suddenly jump up and organize
a formal dinner for 20 or a $50,000 film shoot. Like many other
signs (Aries, Leo, Scorpio), they want to be the top dog but, unlike
most others, they're willing to work for it.
What's Ahead: That inner turmoil
you feel? It's just power, waiting to be used. Still, don't rush
into wielding it. You need downtime, a bit of serenity to channel
these forces—don't doubt yourself or what you can do, but don't
approach it haphazardly either. A big decision looms on the horizon
and, whether 'tis a physical or spiritual change, you're more than
ready for it if you take your time.
Aquarius
Few people do their own thing like an Aquarius—sign of individualists
like soul queen Irma
Thomas, punk king John Lydon, devil-may-care bombshell Mamie
Van Doren and, um, Yoko Ono. Aquarians are rife with new ideas
(usually more than they can keep in their heads at once) and new
outlooks. No matter how many people say it can't be done, an Aquarius
won't listen. They don't care and, anyway, they don't have time.
This sort of carelessness is sometimes mistaken for flighty callousness,
but Aquarians have big hearts and humanitarian spirits—they
just sometimes need to be reminded. Note: If a boy has spent more
than 18% of his life on
a skateboard, he's an Aquarius.
What's Ahead: You probably don't
need to be told to do this, but maybe you need to be reminded: Get
rid of what makes you unhappy. You're not a follower or a clinger,
but this could be a time for you to seek out the advice on some
big changes in your life. Also, this week normally loner Aquarians
will find themselves surrounded by company—whether it's romantic,
social or collaborating on a project—and loving it. Coming
soon: a miracle.
Pisces
Pisces often live in a world of their own creation: a good thing
if you're Johnny Cash, Sharon
Stone or Brian Jones; a bad thing if you're Michael Bolton,
Tammy Faye Baker or Lawrence Welk. Pisces are renowned for their
sensitivity, but they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves,
and will often submerge their spirituality in work or personal relationships.
Pisceans also become cynical very easily, although they can often
find their way back to their initial compassionate natures. Interesting
Piscean aside: Arch-enemies Pat Riley and Spike Lee both share a
March 20 birthday.
What's Ahead: Time to rise to
the surface, Pisces, you've been doing a lot of complaining lately,
but not doing anything besides that. Time for you to step
up, make a change and try to be the hero for once. Failing to
do so will not only perpetuate this unpleasant status quo, but possibly
cause even more of a downward slide, one you may not have another
chance to stop. It's a prime time for teamwork, partnership and
contributing to the world at large: Remember, it's not what you
have, but who you share it with.
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