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Because
Everyone Loves Horoscopes!
...and
because I've got nothing else for you today, ladies and gentlemen,
I give you one of my intermittent readings of the
signs and portents as written in the heavens. Why? Well, with
the
eclipse on August 12, things were supposedly thrown into an
astrological frenzy—and I believe it. No shit: Within the following
week, I'd counseled those who were questioning their sexuality,
had cheated on their boyfriends, were contemplating leaving town,
were no longer speaking to close friends or just felt "all empty
inside." It
was fucking Armageddon and had me ready to grind out an entire
pack of Lucky Strikes into my arm by the time the liquor
stores closed on Saturday
night. So, in an effort to make sense of it all, and in hopes
that brighter times lie ahead, I give you the
stars as read at the bottom of my glass. Enjoy...
Aries
Ah, Aries, the most endearing and most annoying of the signs. Aries,
perhaps not so much born to lead as born to have other people follow.
Aries, who always wants to get there first, who always seeks the
new source of adoration and who never wants to be told what
to do. Any wonder that Aries is the sign of the diva: Dusty
Springfield, Billie
Holiday, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, Bessie Smith, Astrud Gilberto
and William Shatner...of
course there are also those Aries who only think they're
divas, i.e., Celine Dion, Posh
Spice, Carmen Electra and Bobby Vinton. Again, the endearing
and the maddening all at once. And they have Christopher Walken.
What's Ahead: Sure, for the
last few weeks you've been able to talk the stars out of the sky,
hell, even a junkie out of his stash. But nothing is free, even
for an Aries, and here's where you've gotta give back: Take care
of other people for a change, whether as scoutmaster or as cheerleader
and give a little support to those who always let you have your
way. If
you're looking for one-on-one love (OK, maybe even two-on-one),
this weekend may provide just
what you're seeking, as your natural charm will combine with
a little divine intervention. Just make sure you don't spend too
much money on pricey
cocktails or prize orchids while in pursuit—it won't make
any difference except in your wallet.
Taurus
Taurus: obstinate, fond of stability and space to think, hates synthetic
fabrics and being rushed. Taurus' determination and iron will can
make an empire-builder
like Duke
Ellington, Master
P—who shares an April 29 birthday with the Duke—or
Eva Peron. But it can also
make an equally determined loon, such as Sid
Vicious or Dennis Hopper. Or you can combine both aspects and
get the
biggest Taurus of them all, Mr. T.—who's back from life-threatening
illness with his new book "Cancer Ain't for No Sissies." (I kid
you not.)
What's Ahead: So, what's up
with you? Cheer
up little bullish one, for a white Cadillac is being driven
up Fifth Avenue by whatever flavor of beach bunny you choose, chock
full of good things, all of them just for you. Now, isn't that what
you wanted to hear? Your serious-minded bent will be tempered by
a flurry of activity, whether it's goofing
off in a disco or working for a cause. Make sure to take time
out though, for yourself and, more importantly, the people you like
best—let them add a little love to all the good things Taurus
is gettin'.
Gemini
Ah, the quick-witted,
two-faced one. Sign of glamorous, groundbreaking maternal figures
like Josephine
Baker and Lauryn Hill, as well as randy gentlemen such as Prince
and Tom
Jones (both born on June 7—wonder if that had anything
to do with Tom's "Kiss" cover). For every Curtis Mayfield, Suzi
Quatro and Morrissey, there's a Lenny
Kravitz, Alanis Morissette and Jewel. Only a Gemini can paint
himself as the soul of compassion while being totally self-centered,
but only a Gemini will dress up in gold lame and ride a motorbike
at the Folies Bergere to support a dozen adopted kids. (OK, a Scorpio
might do that do, but...)
What's Ahead: In the next week
or so, try to keep your dark side in check: You're liable
to insult or upset people close to you and this time, "Oh, I'm
a Gemini, that's just my bad side," won't cut it. On the flipside,
don't overreact if you feel slighted or put down by those around
you—they didn't mean it. Oh, here I am telling a Gemini to
keep a level head. Silly me. Still, try to get your house in order
and maybe tie yourself to the mast: You may soon start to feel the
urge to crash and burn. But, if you want something to look forward
to, this is an excellent week for you to go
shopping.
Cancer
Cancer: the crab. Why? Because it has a shell, not to mention that
it
is often crabby. Cancers like being at home, surrounded by people
and things they love; they need to feel secure (if you know anyone
who's always
hungry, chances are they're a Cancer). Even Cancers who seem
to be wild and unstable—Johnny Thunders, Hunter
S. Thompson, Lil' Kim—often find that security in an unshakable
sense of self (it's still their shell and they can still take it
wherever they like). Still, Cancers can turn on you with those claws:
Their sentimentality can become possessiveness, their love of their
home turf can set off a border war. The sign of Cancer is responsible
for John
Tesh and several of my ex-boyfriends. I rest my case.
What's Ahead: It's a time of
rebirth for Cancer: If there's something you've been wanting to
do or change, now is the time. The forces are massed: The strength
inside (the portable home you've got) and the support and assistance
from outside (the family and friends around you). Let go of past
mistakes, be they yours or someone else's, and prepare to
boldly go where no one has gone before. (Well, where at least
you haven't gone before, OK?). Also: Whether it's socially, romantically
or even career-wise, you'll do better at everything once the sun
sets. That's right: Not only do the
freaks come out at night but, now, you too.
Leo
Madonna and
Mick Jagger
are Leos. Whitney Houston, with her endless vocal showboating and
ugly "look at my ho self" wardrobe, is a Leo. Patrick
Ewing and his refusal to give up his central position in the
Knicks offense is a Leo. Leos have a mystic power over the center
of attention: Even if they don't direct the spotlight on themselves,
you get the feeling they're controlling where the damn thing will
go next. Of course, Leos can use their powers for good. Isaac
Hayes, who's taken us from "Shaft" to Chef
and back again, is a Leo. Count Basie—not only a great bandleader
and composer, but fine collaborator and never afraid to let the
sideman shine—was a Leo. John Lee Hooker and Joe
Strummer are Leos.
What's Ahead: There's been a
lot of distractions recently, and they have
you on edge. Before you throw a fit, try just drawing
a line in the sand, state where you stand and refuse to put
up with it anymore. Besides, you don't have time for this shit:
You're soon to get buried in your work, though not necessarily in
a bad way. If you don't let yourself get overwhelmed, you can get
everything done. Socially, your ability to turn strangers into pals
is running at a high—get out there, shake some hands and make
some friends. You'll be doing both yourself and the rest of the
world a service.
Virgo
Detail-oriented.
Logical. Industrious
and efficient. Some people think Virgos are repressed, but that's
not the case: They're just modest. Besides, how repressed can a
sign that covers Barry
White, Joan Jett and Pee
Wee Herman be? Virgo could also be called the sign of the sax
player: Charlie
Parker, John Coltrane, Sonny
Rollins and Ray Charles—yes,
Brother Ray could play the sax too—are all Virgos. And,
behind that reserved exterior, Virgos got nothin' but love for most
people (again, ask Mr. White or perhaps Julio
Iglesias)—that's why they try so hard to make everything
they do perfect.
What's Ahead: Let me level with
you: Right now is probably not the best time to be a Virgo. Issues
you thought dead seem
to be coming back to life in a disturbing and Cher-like
manner. People seem to be clamoring for help and attention all around
you. Worst of all, you're having trouble concentrating: Delays,
obstacles and all kinds of what Robert
Johnson (a Taurus, but so what) called "stones in my pathway"
abound. But try to focus, try not to get distracted: As George Bush
(a Gemini, but you don't want him on your team anyway) said: "Stay
the course"—you won't feel this way for long.
Libra
Libras like to be known by one name: Usher, Flea, Eminem,
Divine,
Meatloaf. It's part of that creative, stylish
persona they try to cultivate—even when a Libra seems crude,
it's all part of a carefully thought-out and balanced
effect. (When Divine had to eat dog shit in "Pink
Flamingos," she spent days preparing the turd, wrapping the
gift box, choosing the
right shade of lipstick...) And Librans are happiest when paired
up (that scales thing again), whether it be a business, artistic
or romantic partnership. Still, their desire to make all things
equal and harmonic can turn Libra into a purveyor of pablum: Think
Olivia Newton-John, Marie
Osmond, Sting
and Will Smith.
What's Ahead: Virgo's current
eye of the storm seems to be blowing a few gusts down your alley
as well—you
feel pressed for time and plans for travel or closer-to-home
socializing remain distressingly up in the air. This may make you
brusque and impatient with others but, if you handle them more gently,
they may calm you a bit and even lend a hand. And you have the weekend
to look forward to, when you can turn into a brightly colored social
butterfly,
whether in large or small groups.
Scorpio
I once read somewhere that "most Scorpios are murdered," and there
is ample reason for this. The sign of Scorpio is to blame for musical
schlockmeisters Yanni
and Puff Daddy (both November 4) and tedious moppets like Meg
Ryan, Kerri
Strug and those damned McCaughy septuplets (all nine of them
born on November 19). Rather less wussily, Scorpio includes Charles
Manson, Clyde
Barrow, and the Jonestown
Massacre, as well as society-bashers from Martin Luther to Dennis
Miller. Scorpios are determined, secretive
and live in a black-and-white world, with few shades of gray (appropriate
to the sign of Felix
the Cat and Mickey
Mouse). Only Leos have more creepy power over others than Scorpios,
and the scariest monster they've come up with is Marilyn
Quayle.
What's Ahead: Storm and stress
are roiling about, but step back, take a moment and don't
let yourself get riled over that which is beneath you—especially
at night, when you'll be particularly volatile (and no, the stars
don't tell me whether or not brown liquor has anything to do with
it). If you have any doubts, trust your intuition and your subterranean
store of secrets—not your temper or your pride. Figures
from your past will return, but what you first may mistake for
threatening gestures are actually supplications and apologies. After
all, it's never too late to tell a Scorpio you're sorry.
Sagittarius
Saggitarians are truth-seekers, road-ramblers and hell-raisers who
are never afraid to tell you what they think. Their proudest representatives
of this adventuring
archetype being R.L.
Burnside, Tom
Waits, Tina Turner, Ozzy
Osbourne and Redd
Foxx. Then, of course, there are those Saggitarians who go their
own way a bit too far (and also lie a little too close to the cusp
of Scorpio), like Ted Bundy and Richard
Speck. Saggitarians are unafraid
to wave their opinions like a red flag and are great fans of
arguing for the sake of arguing.
What's Ahead: Oh, it's good
to be you this week, isn't it? Even more full of energy than usual,
you are a force to be reckoned with right now. You may be obnoxious,
but you will get your way. Superiors and other influential
people will notice your fierceness and say, "Who
is that fabulous creature?" Still, don't waste all this energy
and power: Channel it into furthering your goals and ambitions instead
of wallwoing in it like a bubble bath and you'll come out ahead.
Capricorn
Capricorn is the sign of the strong woman and the, uh, not-so-tough
man. Evidence: Janis
Joplin, Ava Gardner,
Mary
J. Blige and Marlene
Dietrich versus Ricky
Martin, Davy
Jones, Michael
Stipe and Marilyn Manson.
Capricorns tend to waft a hedonistic surface over their innate discipline
and drive to work hard. A Capricorn can be rolling on the bed giggling
in a drug-addled stupor one minute, and then suddenly jump up and
organize
a formal dinner for 20 or a $50,000 film shoot. Like many other
signs (Aries, Leo, Scorpio), they want to be the top dog but, unlike
most others, they're willing to work for it.
What's Ahead: That inner turmoil
you feel? It's just power, waiting to be used. Still, don't rush
into wielding it. You
need downtime, a bit of serenity to channel these forces—don't
doubt yourself or what you can do, but don't approach it haphazardly
either. A big decision looms on the horizon and, whether 'tis a
physical or spiritual change, you're more than ready for it if you
take your time.
Aquarius
Few people do their own thing like an Aquarius—sign of individualists
like soul queen Irma
Thomas, punk king John
Lydon, mythical bluesman Leadbelly,
devil-may-care bombshell Mamie
Van Doren and, um, Yoko
Ono. Aquarians are rife with new ideas (usually more than they
can keep in their heads at once) and new outlooks. No matter how
many people say it can't be done, an Aquarius won't
listen. They don't care and, anyway, they don't have time. This
sort of carelessness is sometimes mistaken for flighty callousness,
but Aquarians have big hearts and humanitarian spirits—they
just sometimes need to be reminded. Note: If a boy has spent more
than 15% of his life on
a skateboard, he's an Aquarius.
What's Ahead: You probably don't
need to be told to do this, but maybe you need to be reminded: Get
rid of what makes you unhappy. You're
not a follower or a clinger, but this could be a time for you
to seek out the advice on some big changes in your life. Also, this
week normally loner Aquarians will find themselves surrounded by
company—whether it's romantic,
social or collaborating on a project—and loving it. Coming
soon: a
miracle.
Pisces
Pisces often live in a world of their own creation: a good thing
if you're Johnny Cash, Sharon
Stone or Brian Jones; a bad thing if you're Michael Bolton,
Tammy
Faye Baker or Lawrence
Welk. Pisces are renowned for their sensitivity, but they don't
wear their hearts on their sleeves, and will often submerge their
spirituality in work or personal relationships. Pisceans also become
cynical very easily, although
they can often find their way back to their initial compassionate
natures. Interesting aside: Arch-enemies Pat
Riley and Spike Lee both share a March 20 birthday.
What's Ahead: Time to rise to
the surface, Pisces, you've been doing a lot of complaining lately,
but not doing anything besides that. Time for you to step
up, make a change and try to be the hero for once. Failing to
do so will not only perpetuate this unpleasant status quo, but possibly
cause even more of a downward slide, one you may not have another
chance to stop. It's a prime time for teamwork, partnership and
contributing to the
world at large: Remember, it's not what you have, but who you
share it with.
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