Sometimes I wear a necklace that says “Aaaaaaaghhhh” and talk about chicken and homophobia

Sometimes I drop competitive eating science

Sometimes I wear a bun on TV and talk about restaurant labor

Sometimes I write about flying while anxious

That’s how the cookie (and a passenger’s calm) crumbles

Sometimes I talk about pigs in tiny cages

Sometimes I spell words incorrectly on live television

Sometimes I get really, really excited about heirloom vegetables

Sometimes I go on live TV and essentially yell “Simmah down nah!” at the media panic cycle

Sometimes I get really grossed out by chain restaurants and go on TV to whine about it

Sometimes I write about not having kids and feeling just fine about that

I’m sure your children are lovely. I just don’t want any of my own.